Things I'm trying to learn

So, I've thus far succeeded in keeping this blog from being too terribly introspective, but today I think I'm going to have to delve into introspection just for a little bit. Bear with me.

I've had kind of a tumultuous year, that I hope is beginning to settle down a little bit, but we never really know do we? In the past year, I was involved in the ending of a 3 1/2 year relationship, I moved back to the mid-west and attempted to finish my degree, I dropped out of school (again) and moved BACK to Colorado. That was all in the course of less than 9 months, and now I'm kind of walking into the dark. In the past, I always knew where my life was going to lead. It seemed so logical and linear to me. After graduating from high school, you go to college for 4 years, come out on the other side with a degree and a life-mate, get married, start a career, have babies, raise babies, grow old with said life-mate, retire, and have a happy retired life. But now, none of that is happening how I thought it would. Not to say I'm upset about it. I'm quite happy actually that my life isn't turning out like that. But, its strange to know that I don't know anything.

So now, I'm trying to learn a lot.

I've realized that I haven't been single for any extended period of time since I was still a minor. I've never been single in my adult life, and I'm trying to learn what it means to be a single adult, and to be honest, it's kind of scary. It's been so long since I've been able to live my life based on just me, that I don't know exactly what to do or where to start. Also, I don't know how to deal with not knowing whether or not I'll ever find one specific someone. I've decided recently that it's not as important to just have one person, but it's still hard for me to get beyond the "get married and settle down" expectation that people have. As if somehow, I'm not a legitimate adult until I get a college degree and have a husband.

I've decided, recently, that I need to stop just waiting for friendships to find me. I need to work on building and fostering friendships. And that's really hard for me. I'm a pretty shy person, so for me to go out on a limb and say "hey, we should do something" is really difficult. But, I've decided that it's necessary so that I don't become a complete shut-in crazy lady, talking to my walls. I need to allow myself to have a LIFE. To have MY life. Not anyone else's. Positive start: I'm having dinner with a couple from work tonight. Hooray me.

Also, this is the first time I've ever lived by myself (just got my own apartment! hooray!). I've never had to deal with just me, by myself for extended periods of time before, and I've never had to rely solely on myself for things. I'm excited to learn these things, but at the same time, it's kind of a lonely feeling. I'm proud of myself that I even found an apartment without much help from anyone. It's hard for me to do things like that, so the fact that I did feels like a big step to me.

So, enough introspection for now. I'm off to try to find my life.

So...I don't know how to say this, but...

...I think I'm in love. With Tom Waits. I think I'm going to drop everything and move to where he lives and be his mistress (he's already married). I had a crush on him after hearing the best of his former work in Beautifiul Maladies, but now, I'm listening to Orphans: Bawlers, Brawlers, and Bastards, and I'm fairly positive that I'm in love.

Not to brag...but...

...the last time I passed a bank thingy that told me what temperature it is outside, it read 78. Just thought you might like to know that it's March, and I'm wearing a tank top, capris, and sandals. Hooray for the Rocky Mountain climate.